This article is a response to a question I've been frequently asked: "Why are you like this?" I'll attempt to distill the complex reasons behind my unconventional lifestyle, touching on key moments and experiences that have shaped me. It's a journey through my past, exploring the development of my unique perspective and why I live the way I do.
The Evolution of My "Degeneracy"
Contrary to popular belief, I haven't always been this way. My current lifestyle is the result of a gradual evolution. The first phase started in high school, and the "degeneracy" really leveled up around ages 21-23. This transformation wasn't a sudden shift but a process of learning and self-discovery.
Early Conscientiousness and a Misfitting Moral Compass
As a child, I was surprisingly conscientious, driven by a desire to be seen as a good person. However, I always struggled to relate to others. My moral compass, while present, never pointed North. This caused problems in relationships and friendships, as my views often diverged from the norm.
To try and correct these issues, I actually had my mom read me Bible passages and sermons in order to learn how to better behave and fit in with my peers.
The Baseball Incident: A Turning Point
I recall a specific incident from childhood where I intentionally hit a kid in the face with a baseball out of anger. My happiness at the situation was met with discomfort and disapproval from others. This was a pivotal moment, showcasing my disconnect from societal norms and forcing me to mask my true emotions.
High School and the Rejection of Societal Expectations
Middle school was a period of trying to conform, caring about appearance and societal expectations. However, high school marked a turning point. Realizing I didn't want to be like the people around me, I started to develop my own identity. This involved disconnecting from the pressure to conform to societal norms and expectations. I saw the school my Dad wanted me to go to was full of people who exemplified the behaviors I was trying to conform to, and it made me realize I wanted to be my own person instead.
Disconnecting from the Need for Public Approval
During my teenage years, I consciously worked on detaching myself from the obligation to be a certain kind of person for the sake of society. Feeling like I was "spawned" into a world with arbitrary rules, I questioned the need to adhere to them. This led to doing things considered "improper" without regret, simply existing and acting according to my own desires.
Financial Struggles and Peak "Degen"
Growing up, my family faced financial hardships. After high school, I had to find ways to support my mom, who could barely make ends meet. Ironically, this was also the peak of my "degen" days. At this point, I had given up on being a normal person, being accepted by society, or having a conventional life.
Health Issues and a Worsening Situation
Around the same time, my mom's health began to deteriorate. She had numerous health scares and eventually needed my constant support. Coupled with financial struggles, this created a stressful and difficult environment.
Tooth Decay and the Loss of "Normalcy"
Due to neglect in my teen years, my teeth began to rot. I had to have multiple teeth extracted, and eventually lost all my back teeth. This had a drastic affect on my jawline, and was essentially unfixable. At this point, I felt like I could no longer be the same as anybody else, and started to embrace this fact.
YouTube, Streaming, and a Shift in Perspective
Later, I started making YouTube videos and streaming. People found my lifestyle funny or weird. While I've faced criticism, I've learned not to take it personally. The way I live is a manifestation of my perspective. My living situation was messy, I didn't know if my mom would be alive each day, and I began to rely more and more on streaming.
Fixing My Teeth: A Stark Realization
As my financial situation improved, I sought to fix my teeth. The estimated cost of $50,000 highlighted the irreversible damage I had done to my life. It was a stark reminder that some mistakes can't be easily undone. While I contemplated suicide, I ultimately decided to start streaming.
Streaming for Money and Unexpected Success
Initially, my motivation for streaming was purely financial. However, I dedicated myself to creating entertaining content, and things started to improve. My stream grew, and I began to disconnect from a lot of my personal relationships in order to make it work.
Loss, Change, and a Further Abstraction of Reality
In 2021, I experienced significant loss and change. My mom passed away, I broke up with a long-term girlfriend, and my dad became seriously ill. These events triggered a further detachment from emotional attachments. I tried my best to remove myself from caring about other people as much as I can, because I felt like those that I cared for were either dying or leaving me.
Letting Go of Myself
I've come to believe that the more I care about things, the unhappier I become. It is a pathological problem, but at the end of the day, it's the best way to cope with it. I have tried my best to let go of myself, and perhaps be content with my own existence. I don't believe that there is some light at the end of the tunnel, and that I'm just trying to make the best of being in the tunnel. I've stopped caring about what happens to me, and the criticisms that I have recieved.
Complete Agency Over My Life
Ultimately, I value having complete agency over my own life. I can do anything I want and avoid anything I don't want to do. This is a comforting thought. I try to live life, enjoy it, and experience things as they are meant to be experienced. I think that one thing that I've always really kind of focused on and thought about a lot is that I have complete and absolute agency over my own life. So, that's why I live the way that I live it's why I do things the way that I do things, and maybe one day I'll change.
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