Gentle Relationships: Fostering Harmony in Families
Ah Huy introduces the topic of gentle relationships, emphasizing its importance and expressing a personal longing for greater gentleness in interactions. The discussion focuses on parent-child relationships and the challenges of building harmony. Lin Sheng Heng, a counseling manager with experience in prisons and social services, joins to offer insights.
The Importance of Gentleness, Even in Difficult Situations
Lin Sheng Heng shares his experiences working with families in challenging situations, including those involved with the prison system. He notes that even amidst conflict and coldness, the need for gentleness and warmth persists. Despite the tough exterior often associated with working with special populations, Sheng Heng highlights the necessity of softness and empathy.
Understanding Indifference and Examining Communication
The conversation addresses the common concern of parents feeling that their children are indifferent towards them. It raises the question of how parents can examine their communication styles and identify potential problems. The goal is to find ways to be more gentle in their interactions with their children.
From Conflict to Connection: A Shift in Perspective
Sheng Heng provides an example of parents rushing to visit their children in prison, highlighting the potential for extreme consequences when parent-child relationships break down. He emphasizes the importance of proactive efforts to foster positive relationships before such crises occur. He suggests an activity where individuals identify who they would turn to for help, revealing insights into trust, capability, and aspirational qualities.
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Level 1: Believing the person is capable of helping.
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Level 2: Trusting the person and feeling that they are trustworthy.
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Level 3: Aspiring to be like that person.
This activity helps parents understand what qualities children seek in a supportive figure and how they can embody those qualities themselves.
Becoming the Person Your Child Needs
The focus shifts to how parents can become the person their child would naturally turn to for help. This involves fostering a sense of capability, trustworthiness, and aspiration in the eyes of the child. This approach is considered more valuable than traditional parenting advice or training courses. It is about cultivating a simple, heartfelt connection.
Everyday Examples and Mutual Trust
An example is given involving a broken student ID holder. Instead of criticizing, the mother in the example recognized her daughter's effort and respected her desire to solve the problem herself. The importance of mutual trust and avoiding belittling the child's efforts is emphasized.
Apologies and Acknowledgement: A Generational Divide
The discussion touches on the generational gap in expressing gratitude and remorse. Children may be waiting for an apology from their parents, while parents may be waiting for a thank you from their children. The importance of simply incorporating "thank you" and "I'm sorry" into daily interactions is emphasized.
The Analogy of the Cats: Embracing Individuality
The conversation uses the analogy of cats to illustrate the importance of recognizing individuality within families. Like cats with different personalities, parents and children have unique perspectives and needs. Parents should allow their children to be different from themselves. The example of the Spring Wind cat and Grandpa Huang highlights this. One established, one new; yet they both can happily co-exist.
Understanding the Modern Child: The "Apathetic" Generation
The discussion explores the challenges of understanding modern children, who may be perceived as apathetic or lacking ambition. It's important not to misunderstand this apparent apathy as laziness or lack of goals. This generation may simply have different values and priorities.
Navigating Conflicts with Gentle Communication
The conversation shifts to practical advice on navigating conflicts with "new generation" children. Sheng Heng shares a personal anecdote about his father's unsolicited advice. Instead of directly offering advice, parents could share a relevant story about their own experiences. This approach allows for connection without seeming judgemental.
The Importance of Parental Vulnerability
The discussion highlights the difficulty parents face in expressing vulnerability and sharing their regrets with their children. Acknowledging imperfections and past struggles can create a deeper connection.
Shifting Expectations and Embracing Change
Parents can injure their children when they don't express their feelings. It is important for parents to express their expectations and their feelings.
Addressing Modern Issues: Phone Usage and its Effect
The pervasive use of mobile phones is addressed as a common source of conflict. The emphasis is on understanding the child's perspective and fostering open communication rather than resorting to strict control. Teachers say to not manage it; try to facilitate them managing themselves.
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Mom should love the eyes of children.
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Commencing a sincere conversation can bridge the gap.
From Control to Collaboration: Finding Common Ground
The focus shifts from controlling the child's phone usage to collaborating with them. Parents are encouraged to express their concerns and seek the child's help in finding solutions.
Affirmation and Support
The importance of affirmation is to encourage that the goal of time communication is not to cut them off but to understand each other.
Encouragement and Gentle Guidance
The discussion addresses how to gently encourage children to adopt beneficial habits, such as exercise or a balanced diet. Instead of simply telling the child what to do, parents should embody those habits themselves and share their experiences.
Core Principles: Authenticity and Understanding
The core principles of gentle parenting are honesty, authenticity, and a genuine desire to understand the child's perspective. Avoid wrapping these feelings in some parents' authority or with what should be. The advice is that the gentle relationship that can come out of that will be as comfortable as toilet paper.
Conclusion
The conversation concludes by highlighting the importance of honesty and genuine connection in fostering gentle and harmonious parent-child relationships. It emphasizes the value of understanding the child's perspective, expressing vulnerability, and finding ways to collaborate and support each other.