The Downsides of Waking Your Child Up and Understanding Asperger's Syndrome
This article summarizes a discussion with Dr. Ma Dayuan, a psychiatrist and expert in child development, on topics ranging from the impact of waking children up to understanding Asperger's Syndrome.
The Harm in Waking Children Up
Loss of Control and Frustration
Dr. Ma explains that our sense of confidence and happiness often stems from having a sense of control over our lives. For children, being woken up by someone else every morning deprives them of this control, leading to frustration. Essentially, waking a child up daily is a recurring source of frustration for them.
Negative Conditioning
Children generally don't enjoy being woken up. Being roused from sleep and potentially scolded can create a negative association between waking up, the environment, and the person waking them (usually a parent). This repeated association, known as conditioning, can lead the child to feel uncomfortable or resentful towards the parent's face and voice. This can even explain why some teenagers distance themselves from their parents despite the parents' best efforts.
Understanding Asperger's Syndrome
What is Asperger's?
Dr. Ma describes Asperger's Syndrome as part of the broader autism spectrum. He categorizes autism into three levels:
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Severe Autism: Individuals with significant cognitive and language impairments, often requiring specialized care.
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High-Functioning Autism: Individuals who can care for themselves and communicate but have social difficulties and unusual speech patterns.
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Asperger's Syndrome: Individuals with potentially exceptional abilities (e.g., math, memory) but struggle with social interaction.
Dr. Ma points out that many individuals with Asperger's contribute uniquely to society, referencing characters like Mr. Bean and eccentric scientists as examples of Asperger's traits.
Genetic Component
Asperger's has a high heritability rate (around 90%). If a child is diagnosed, it's likely that one of the parents also has Asperger's traits.
Personal Experience and Misunderstandings
Dr. Ma shares his experience of realizing he had Asperger's. He recounts how as a child, he struggled to process faces and was told to look at people when they spoke. He highlights the importance of not forcing children with these traits to make eye contact if they find it uncomfortable. He also recounts a time he was perceived as arrogant and uncooperative for not attending a book club, underscoring the Asperger's tendency to prioritize logic over social norms.
Not a Disease, But a Trait
Dr. Ma emphasizes that Asperger's is not a disease but a personality trait on a spectrum. Everyone exhibits some degree of traits related to anxiety, depression, Asperger's, or hyperactivity.
The Importance of Understanding and Acceptance
A Doctor's Gratitude for Parents
Dr. Ma expressed gratitude towards his parents for letting him play with his toys without disturbance for the whole day.
Parental Influence and Family Dynamics
Dr. Ma credits his parents' open-mindedness and respect for allowing him to develop his self-discipline. His mother, likely unknowingly exhibiting Asperger's traits, was often lost in her own world. His father, a teacher, was exceptionally understanding and avoided unnecessary restrictions or scolding. A particular anecdote of his father being totally fine with him and his brother swimming in a dangerous lake highlights the parents' relaxed parenting style.
Responding to a Child's Needs
Dr. Ma says that children can often sense their parents’ anxiety. He emphasized how critical it is for parents to acknowledge their children’s sentiments.
Addressing the Morning Wake-Up Struggle
Dr. Ma then goes back to the initial subject of whether to wake kids up or not, by providing the following:
Development Psychology and Brain Science
Dr. Ma suggests understanding development psychology and brain science to help guide parents.
Positive Reinforcement
To avoid negative conditioning, Dr. Ma recommends creating a positive association with waking up. This can involve:
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Light and Sound: Encourage natural sunlight in the room and use gradually increasing, pleasant sounds (like nature sounds or upbeat music) instead of jarring alarm clocks.
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Child Involvement: Involve the child in choosing their wake-up sounds or adjusting the room for sunlight.
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Positive Interaction: If you must wake your child, do so with affection (e.g., tickles or gentle kisses) to create positive associations.
Dr. Ma says that a child’s happiness will bond with a parent’s face and voice as a result.
Open Communication and Acceptance
Dr. Ma emphasizes the importance of open communication within the family. Don't hide potential diagnoses or concerns from children.
Respect and Understanding
Dr. Ma stresses that understanding and respecting a child's unique traits, including those associated with Asperger's, is essential for fostering their self-acceptance and well-being. He stated that he tells his kids that he doesn’t have any requirements for them to become anything that they don’t want to. A father, for instance, doesn’t have to be a model for their children to follow, but understanding and respect would suffice.
Seeking Professional Help
Early Intervention
For children under six, early intervention assessments are highly recommended. These programs use play-based therapy to improve areas like impulse control, focus, and social skills.
School Transition
When a child with Asperger's enters school, it's important to inform the school so they can provide appropriate support, such as assigning a suitable teacher.
Parental Learning
Parents should be willing to learn about their child's condition and adjust their parenting approach accordingly. It's beneficial to seek professional help through counseling, as the parent from the story did, rather than trying to force children to adapt to a parent’s preferred style.