Understanding Shifts in Relationships After Receiving Help
In life, it's common to experience confusion when a seemingly close relationship with someone who has helped you suddenly turns distant, even suspicious. This change isn't necessarily due to heartlessness but often stems from three underlying psychological principles. Recognizing these principles can help you maintain valuable connections and better understand the dynamics of social interactions.
Value Inequality
Social Exchange Theory
The theory of social exchange suggests that relationships are built upon the exchange of value. This value extends beyond monetary considerations to include emotional support, information, resources, and social standing.
Maintaining Balance
When one party consistently gives without receiving equivalent value in return, the relationship becomes unbalanced. Interpersonal relationships frequently involve an exchange of interests.
Delayed Gratification
Sometimes, a person with higher social status helps someone of lower status with the expectation of future returns. They are taking a long-term view on the potential profit, not seeking immediate compensation. A benefactor may be seeking some type of future reward.
Example: The Importance of Reciprocity
Consider the example of Wang Manni from a TV series. She received luxury goods and travel promises from a wealthy man, Liang Zhengxian. However, she failed to consider what she could offer him in return. This imbalance, where Liang Zhengxian continuously provided resources and Wang Manni only offered companionship and admiration, ultimately led to the relationship's demise.
Testing the Waters
A benefactor's sudden withdrawal of support can indicate that you are not perceived as a worthwhile long-term investment. Their initial help might have been a test of your potential.
The Impact of Unreciprocated Effort
Similarly, a senior at work might be willing to guide a junior colleague, sharing valuable experience. However, if the junior never expresses gratitude or provides support when the senior needs it, the senior will feel unappreciated and withdraw their help. This diminishes the helper's positivity until the relationship deteriorates.
The First Deviation
Cognitive Bias
The "first deviation" is a psychological concept describing the tendency to interpret a lack of expected response as a deliberate slight. In essence, "I helped you, and you didn't appreciate it. Are you deliberately targeting me?" This kind of cognitive bias will greatly hinder a person from taking action against oneself.
Workplace Examples
A leader who gives a subordinate an important project opportunity, hoping for their growth, might be disappointed if the subordinate complains excessively or blames the leader for project failures. The leader may then perceive the subordinate negatively and become unwilling to offer further assistance.
The Importance of Acknowledgment
People are naturally attuned to their own efforts. A lack of appropriate response can easily lead to negative interpretations.
Reliance on Incompetence
Avoiding Over-Dependence
Relying too much on others and losing the ability to solve problems independently can exhaust and disappoint those who are willing to help.
Fostering Growth
Benefactors typically hope to see those they help improve and develop, not become perpetually dependent.
Zhang Songwen's Example
The actor Zhang Songwen received significant assistance from mentors early in his career. He didn't become overly reliant on this help; instead, he continued to learn and refine his skills. This consistent effort and growth earned him greater recognition and sustained support from those who had helped him.
The Pitfalls of Constant Help-Seeking
In contrast, young professionals who immediately seek help for every problem without attempting to solve it themselves risk being seen as lacking independent problem-solving skills. Repeatedly asking for help leads others to perceive you as not worth developing, similar to parents wanting their children to learn to walk and run independently.
Summary: Maintaining Valuable Relationships
The relationship between people is an exchange of value. Receiving help from a benefactor is a form of luck that requires wisdom and action to sustain. Value is the foundation, active and positive responses are the purifier, and continuous growth is the preservative of that relationship. Knowing these psychological rules will make people willing to go further with you. Long-term relationships must benefit both parties.