The Meeting and Early Influence
In his teenage years, Richard Feynman was a curious and exploratory young man. One summer, he spent an ordinary - looking vacation on the beach in his hometown, an unremarkable place in New York. However, this period was of great significance to him. There, he met a girl named Arline. She was smart, funny, and had a mischievous glint in her eyes. Feynman realized almost at first sight that she was the one he wanted to spend his life with.
Arline had a profound impact on Feynman. She added a touch of warmth to his rational scientific world. Feynman, a born scientist, was used to dissecting the mysteries of the universe with formulas and logic. But Arline taught him to feel the nuances of life with his heart. Her optimism and humor were like a gentle catalyst, enabling Feynman to embrace the warmth of emotions in addition to his rigorous thinking.
A Question That Sparked Thoughts
Once, Arline casually asked him if stars had their own stories. This simple question made Feynman start thinking about the intersection of science and humanity. He later recalled that Arline's questions always ignited his inspiration, giving him an extra dose of tenderness and curiosity about the world while exploring physics. Her existence made him not only a scientist but also a more complete person, learning to view life with love and passion. Soon, the two got engaged, and those days were like the world being illuminated for Feynman.
The Onset of Illness
But happiness was short-lived. A mysterious disease began to torment Arline. A lump suddenly appeared on her neck. At first, they didn't pay much attention, but it quickly grew larger, and Arline started to have repeated fevers with a persistent high temperature. The family doctor initially diagnosed it as typhoid and sent her to the hospital.
When Feynman visited her in the hospital, he was required to wear a special protective gown to enter the ward. The attending doctor was also present. Feynman asked about the examination results, and the doctor told him the test was negative. Feynman was shocked. Since no typhoid bacteria were detected, why was such isolation still in place? Maybe Arline didn't have typhoid at all. The doctor was very dissatisfied with this question and angrily went to complain to Arline's parents, accusing Feynman of interfering too much and emphasizing that he was just a fiancé. This was the first time Feynman realized that some people didn't know what they were doing but regarded others' questions and suggestions as offensive.
The Search for a Diagnosis
After a while, Arline's condition seemed to improve. The lump gradually subsided, and the fever stopped. But a few weeks later, the lump recurred. This time, Feynman didn't rely on the original doctor but took her to see another one. After the examination, the new doctor said the problem might be in the lymphatic system, but the specific situation couldn't be diagnosed yet and needed further discussion with other doctors.
The words "lymphatic system" immediately alerted Feynman. He rushed to the Princeton University Library and read through all the medical materials on lymphatic diseases. He concluded that Arline might have an incurable disease. However, he also knew that many people would think they had a terminal illness when they read medical books, just like how searching for symptoms on Baidu today often scares people. So, he tried to stay rational and suppress his inner panic.
When he saw Arline next, Feynman told her frankly that according to his research, the situation might be more serious than expected. Even the most optimistic judgment was that it was a currently incurable disease. He told her about several possible diseases, especially Hodgkin's disease, a cancer that attacks the lymphatic system.
When they went to the hospital again, Arline tentatively asked the doctor if it could be Hodgkin's disease. The doctor thought for a while and said it was possible. This made Feynman's heart sink. He realized that the doctor actually didn't have a clear judgment on this disease but just nodded along with his previous statement.
Sure enough, when Arline was transferred to the state hospital, the diagnosis report officially wrote "Hodgkin's disease" for the first time. Feynman was secretly surprised. This diagnosis might have been written just because he mentioned the name. At that moment, he truly felt that the doctor knew less about this disease than he did.
The Diagnosis and Difficult Decisions
In the following days at the state hospital, the doctor conducted detailed examinations on Arline for the possibility of Hodgkin's disease. Soon, the doctor officially announced the result in front of Arline's family and Feynman. Arline was likely to have this disease, and there was currently no cure. Even in the most optimistic estimate, she might only have two or three years left.
Feynman was stunned. He was extremely sad but quickly made a decision to tell Arline the truth. She had the right to know. But this decision immediately met with strong opposition from his family. They accused him of being too immature and childish, not knowing how to protect a patient. They said that if Arline was told, she would only fall into great pain and might even give up hope.
Facing the pressure, Feynman insisted that he and Arline had agreed to be honest with each other no matter what. He had already mentioned the name of the disease to Arline, and if he chose to hide it now, it would be a real betrayal. But the power of reality was too strong. The persuasion of his family trapped him. Eventually, he broke down and wrote a breakup letter. If Arline later found out that he had lied to her about the disease being glandular fever, a temporary infectious disease, he would give her this letter to end their relationship.
The Truth Revealed
When Feynman went to the hospital to visit Arline, she was sitting on the bed, pale, with her parents looking solemn beside her. When she saw Feynman, her eyes lit up. She looked at him and said calmly but seriously, "Now we both understand how important it is to be honest with each other. Mom and Dad told me it was glandular fever, but I don't know if I should believe it. You tell me, do I have Hodgkin's disease or glandular fever?"
Feynman was silent for a while. It seemed to take all his strength to say, "You have glandular fever." As soon as the words were out, a part of his heart seemed to die. He knew he had betrayed Arline. But Arline's reaction was surprisingly simple. She smiled and said, "Now I believe it because we never doubt each other."
A week later, Arline called and asked Feynman to come to her house, saying she had something to say. Feynman had a hunch that something was wrong and instinctively touched his pocket to make sure the letter was still there. When he arrived, Arline asked directly, "Do I have Hodgkin's disease or glandular fever?" Feynman lowered his head, took out the letter from his pocket, and slowly said, "You have Hodgkin's disease."
Arline was stunned for a moment and then said softly, "They must have put too much pressure on you." She had already suspected something. At home, she could always hear her mother crying alone. The depression and grief were not like those faced with a temporary disease. She thought someone might have forced Feynman to lie to her. Feynman lowered his head, full of shame, and kept apologizing. But Arline was surprisingly calm. She just asked, "So, what should we do next?"
The Choice of Love
At that time, Feynman had just received a scholarship from Princeton. If he got married, this scholarship would be immediately cancelled because the school believed that the emotions and responsibilities brought by marriage would seriously interfere with the focus and discipline of academic research. But Feynman didn't hesitate to choose Arline. Although he hadn't graduated with a Ph.D., he had already found a job at Bell Labs, which was not far from the hospital. He could rent a small apartment nearby to take care of Arline.
To clarify the condition, Feynman insisted that Arline have further examinations on the lump on her neck. A few days later, the results came out. The diagnosis showed that Arline didn't have Hodgkin's disease but scrofula. Feynman was so angry that he was shaking. He had seen this disease in medical books at first but ignored it because the books said it was easy to diagnose. The fact that the doctors had been unable to determine the disease made him feel stupid for skipping the most obvious possibility. He had overestimated the doctors' intelligence.
Although it was diagnosed as scrofula, the doctor also brought some slightly reassuring news. If Arline's condition was well-controlled, she could live for another seven years. But before this news could bring real relief, the shadow of reality came down again. Feynman's family became worried. They were afraid that the disease would be transmitted to Feynman through kissing and felt that they had agreed to the marriage because they didn't know the severity of the disease. They suspected that Feynman's persistence was not out of love but out of a sense of pity - based responsibility. Since everything was still in time, they thought it was better to consider the marriage as not really established.
But Feynman knew very well that he had never been out of pity. He loved Arline without a doubt and without reservation. He was willing to shoulder any real-world pressure for her. So, on June 29, 1942, Feynman and Arline exchanged vows, making an eternal commitment in the face of illness and the unknown.
The War Years and the End
Then World War II broke out, and Feynman was recruited to join the Manhattan Project. He was transferred to the Los Alamos Laboratory in New Mexico to participate in the development of nuclear weapons. Oppenheimer, knowing Arline's situation, specially arranged for her to be admitted to the nearest hospital to Los Alamos for Feynman to visit.
Every weekend, Feynman would go to the hospital to accompany Arline. On weekdays, they maintained their relationship through letters. They played a password game that only they understood. Each of Arline's letters had a unique encryption method that Feynman had to decrypt by hand. This small ritual became a sweet link between them when they missed each other.
However, this made the censors in the intelligence office headache. For security reasons, they required Arline to attach the decryption key in the letter for them to check the content. But this instead aroused Arline's greater enthusiasm. She started punching holes in letters, covering paragraphs with ink, and even ordering puzzles, cutting the letters into pieces and sending them to Feynman. This prank made the agents scratch their heads but made Arline laugh like a child.
This game - like ease was like a thin veil they wove together, trying to cover up the cruelty of reality. But the veil was too thin to hide Arline's gradually weakening body. Her condition was getting worse day by day. Even though her smile was still bright, the shadow of death was quietly approaching.
On June 16, 1945, Feynman was at work when he suddenly received a call from the hospital asking him to come as soon as possible. He immediately borrowed a colleague's car and rushed there. But fate seemed to play a cruel joke on him. The wheels blew out twice on the road. Helplessly, Feynman had to leave the car on the side of the road and take a taxi to the hospital.
When he finally saw Arline, she was extremely weak, her eyes were blurred, and she could hardly recognize the people around her. At 9:21 that night, Arline stopped breathing, and the clock that Feynman had given her on the pillow also stopped at this moment, as if accompanying her to the last second of her life.
Feynman looked at Arline's body, surprisingly calm. He didn't cry, but his heart felt empty. He wasn't not sad, just hadn't reacted yet. Arline's departure was too sudden. Even though he had known this day would come, when it really arrived, his body seemed to turn off the emotion switch, leaving only actions.
After arranging everything at the funeral home, he retrieved the car that had been left on the side of the road and drove to Albuquerque. But not long after, another tire blew out. This time, Feynman finally broke down. He jumped out of the car and roared towards the deserted wilderness, cursing loudly, as if trying to vent all the depression of these days. The accompanying driver looked at him, not understanding why this seemingly calm man suddenly went crazy.
A month later, Feynman passed by a store window and saw a beautiful dress. He thought Arline would like it. But as soon as this thought came to his mind, his heart seemed to be stabbed. She was no longer there. Feynman stood there, staring at the dress, as if he was also nailed there. Tears fell one by one, and he couldn't stop them. This scientist, who had always thought about the world rationally, couldn't control himself at this moment because it was a gift he could never give again.