The Pitfalls of the Checklisted Childhood
I never intended to become a parenting expert, and parenting isn't my primary interest. However, I've noticed a particular parenting style today that's harming kids and hindering their growth. We often focus on parents who are not involved enough in their children's lives, and rightly so. But at the other end of the spectrum, there's a lot of damage being done.
Some parents believe their kids can't succeed without constant protection, prevention, hovering, micromanaging, and steering them towards a limited set of colleges and careers. This leads to what I call a "checklisted childhood."
What the Checklisted Childhood Looks Like
In a checklisted childhood, we ensure our kids are safe, fed, and watered. Then, we focus on getting them into the right schools, classes, and making sure they get the right grades, scores, accolades, awards, and participate in the right sports, activities, and leadership roles. We tell them to start clubs instead of just joining, and to do community service. All of this is aimed at achieving a certain level of perfection that we ourselves never had to reach.
As a result, we end up arguing with teachers, principals, coaches, and referees on our kids' behalf. We act as their concierge, personal handler, and secretary. With our kids, we spend a lot of time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, and nagging to make sure they don't mess up and ruin their future, especially when it comes to getting into a few highly selective colleges.
How It Feels to Be a Kid in a Checklisted Childhood
For kids in a checklisted childhood, there's no time for free play. Every moment after school is filled with "enriching" activities. We make them believe that every homework assignment, quiz, and activity is crucial for their future. We don't make them help around the house, and we even let them sacrifice sleep as long as they're checking off items on their list.
We say we want them to be happy, but when they come home, we often ask about their homework and grades first. They can see in our faces that our approval, love, and their worth seem to depend on getting A's. We praise them like trainers at a dog show, constantly pushing them to do better.
By high school, they're not thinking about what they're interested in studying or doing as an activity. Instead, they ask counselors what they need to do to get into the "right" college. When they get less than perfect grades, they panic and wonder if they can still get into the right college.
At the end of high school, our kids are exhausted, brittle, burned out, and seem older than their age. They wish we had told them that what they've done is enough. Many are struggling with high levels of anxiety and depression, and some are questioning if their lives will be worth it.
The Cost of Overparenting
We parents are convinced that all this is worth it. We act as if our kids won't have a future if they don't get into one of the few colleges or careers we have in mind for them. Maybe we're just afraid they won't have a future we can brag about.
But when we look closely, we can see that our overparenting is sending the wrong message to our kids. We make them think their worth comes from grades and scores, and we don't give them the chance to build self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is the belief that one's own actions lead to outcomes, and it's more important than the self-esteem they get from our constant applause.
A Broader Definition of Success
I'm not saying that kids don't need our involvement or interest in their lives. But when we make grades, scores, accolades, and awards the sole purpose of childhood, we're limiting their definition of success.
Even though our overhelping might get them short-term wins, like better grades or a longer resume, it comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self. We should be more concerned with helping them develop the habits, mindset, skill set, and wellness they need to be successful wherever they go, rather than obsessing over a specific set of colleges.
The Importance of Chores and Love
The Harvard Grant Study, the longest longitudinal study of humans, found that professional success in life comes from doing chores as a kid, and the earlier they start, the better. Chores teach kids a "roll up your sleeves and pitch in" mindset, which is essential in the workplace.
The study also found that happiness in life comes from love, not love of work, but love of humans. Our kids need to learn how to love others, and they can't do that if they don't love themselves first. We need to offer them unconditional love.
Instead of asking about grades and scores when our kids come home, we should put away our phones, look them in the eye, and show them how happy we are to see them. We should ask about their day and show interest in the things they like.
Letting Go of the Brand Name College Obsession
Yes, some of the biggest brand name schools do ask for top scores, grades, accolades, and awards. But the good news is that you don't have to go to one of these schools to be happy and successful in life. Happy and successful people have gone to state schools, small colleges, community colleges, and some have even flunked out of college.
If we can widen our perspective and look at more colleges, and remove our own egos from the equation, we'll realize that it's not the end of the world if our kids don't go to a big brand name school. And if their childhood wasn't lived according to a strict checklist, they'll be more likely to thrive in college, wherever they go.
My Realization as a Parent
I have two teenage kids, Sawyer and Avery. I used to treat them like bonsai trees, trying to shape them into the perfect form to get into a highly selective college. But after working with many other kids and raising my own, I've realized that my kids are like wildflowers of an unknown genus and species.
My job is to provide a nourishing environment, strengthen them through chores, and love them so they can love others and receive love. The college, major, and career they choose are up to them. My role is not to make them become what I want them to be, but to support them in becoming their true selves.